smile.

Smile,

Tho' your heart is aching,

Smile Even though its breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky-

You'll get by,

If you Smile through your fear and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through-

For you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,

Altho' a tear may be ever so near,

That's the time you must keep on trying,

Smile-

What's the use of crying,

You'll find that life is still worhwhile,

If you just smile.

I'm smiling right now.

I can say this year thus far has been the most intense year of my life. And with reason. The older we get I guess it just gets more and more difficult like a video game and reaching new levels. A few brilliant experiences and epiphanies have hit me pretty hard today... along with a few dives and spills that hurt like I got punched in the face by Mike Tyson (no... I didn't steal his tiger during a bachelor party in Vegas ;P ).

So I was cliff diving today based off of an impromptu trip with a few friends of mine. I had no idea there's a place literally a few minutes away from where my home is where teenagers, the brave and white trash alike hike to go cliff dive. Always being up for an adventure I decided to go.

In truth, I wasn't going to go. I have been very preoccupied with a few pivotal issues and decisions in my life that take up the rest of my mind that isn't focused on dance/art and the new movie I'm trying to get produced. I would say to worry about one's future and endless happiness is very common for most. I know it has always been the case for me, yet, in recent times, these stresses have been almost torturous and exhausting. That being said I go on living life with a smile on my face. I was really expecting to just lock myself in my house today and just download obscene amounts of music and maybe write a song or two, work out, dance by myself and read a little of the good word... away from the world and from any human connection. Something inside of me knew I was going to waste away my day off in a long time just worrying and being a robot. It was as if the happy part of my heart was screaming at me saying " get up fool...let's have some fun. " So, as the cheesy techno song says " Listen to your heart...." - I did for once.

I hiked and tread water and was at one with my surroundings. I didn't think of any of the stresses or pressures I had been facing 24 hours a normal day. Didn't care. I was on an adventure and it was good. The people I was with don't particularly know me super well either (though we did bond very much more today than ever), so I wasn't asked about the issues I have in my life that my closest of kin know about. It was nice... refreshing to just be present in the moment and go forth and be stupid... literally!

I got to a point where my buddies and I reached the highest jump...I don't even know how high it was but it was a little, ahem, intimidating. My and one guy saw all these other guys jumping and having a blast without pain. Though, looking back now I should've put 2 + 2 together that they were all drunk and/or high while doing so. HA! My friend went first. As he was a bit more experienced than i was at this. He lost his footing, seeing that the rocks were really slippery, and kinda crash landed. He belly flopped really hard, knocking the wind outta him, not to mention, he being but a foot or two away from smashing his head from not jumping out far enough.

Before I could think or assess the risk factor, I prepared to jump in the water if he didn't lift his face. Counting down and saying a little prayer I was ready to go....

3...

2...

1..OH he's up!

Yay! I rejoiced!

He got up, silent and white as a ghost... nobody even made a sound who had witnessed the fall. He said he was in a lot of pain, couldn't breathe and it hurt like hell. Well, this should have been a clear sign for me not to jump. But, instead. I kinda had a "Lieutenant Dan" moment. Where I challenged the powers that be and decided I would do it.

Laughing death in the face...

Having been so stressed out and upset in all those moments of dark thought and personal torture... Having the feeling that I had been left in the desert spiritually for so long...

Having the feeling I'll be alone the whole remainder of my life, being soulmate-less...

Having the feeling of, dare i say it, " Why wasn't it me who just nearly plummeted to a belly flop? " ... just because it'd be nice to feel more physical pain than mental torment...

I jumped... with the thought and prayer that innately came as I leapt off the "Lion King"-like rock.

The thought in my prayer was this:

" Heavenly Father, please bless me that I'll survive this. Preserve me so I can enjoy the rich blessings this life has to offer me... be them difficult ones or easy ones."

Why in the heck were those my most honest words and thoughts and desires of my heart in such a moment?!?!?!?! I didn't care about pain. I didn't jump in act of rebellion, though at first it was a motivating factor to climb the rock in the first place. (adrenaline) I just asked God to preserve me so I could have the opportunities, whatever they may be, to learn what i am supposed to learn and do what I'm destined to do. I knew it wasn't my time to go. ( wind ) So many unanswered questions. (screams) So many decisions would be left in limbo had I perished. (blurred vision) So many reasons to live and nothing to complain about. (smile) .....

SMASH!!!

Amidst the great epiphany that had occurred, where i saw my life for what it really was... I smiled. The next thing I knew was an obscene amount of pain as I had totally left the conscious world for a brief moment all the while I had forgotten I had already jumped from that damned rock!

I landed on the right side of my jaw. No it wasn't a belly flop. It was a punch to the face. That fall made me it's (female dog). Not to mention, the fall and succeeding crash of my lifeless body also nearly dislocated my elbow as i smashed sideways on to the water where it flung back the opposite way.

I remember getting water in my mouth probably cause i was smiling. I normally close my lips when I'm nervous and they go white. But no. My mouth was open as I fell in a funny awkward smile. I got up. I held my thumb up as I swam with one arm and screamed underwater due to how badly it hurt. I didn't tell any of the guys I was in so much pain. I joked around with them and played it off the whole day. But in truth the pain was but a tiny reminder of the little miracle that had passed in my life. 1. I'm alive! Haha! I could've landed on the rocks and never even remembered a thing. 2. A prayer was answered as I realized what I had been missing in this life.... the experience. This life is about experience. And for some beautifully mysterious reason, God, the one who knows all wants me to go through what I go through. And dreading so much of it isn't the point... thought at times I am sure i will continue to complain and contemplate. 3. It took me to put a smile on my face, just as the song says to say " yes, I'm a fun person, I want to go cliff diving today " and go out and do it. But i did it. I wasn't lying to myself. I am happy a lot of the time. I'm both a brilliantly happy person and a tragically sad one as well... at the same time. But I had been neglecting the happy side, and had been doing so in a vicious cycle of stress and personal fault finding. But mysteriously, that thought process has seemed to have left me for the time being. My Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom, helped change my heart in a moment where he knew i desperately needed it. And it's beautiful. And funny. And grand.

Will I forever be changed and will the dark clouds ever return? They've never left me. But what's a little rain when I smile and let the sun shine through?

Until next time... smile at your mortality. Smile at the funny stuff. Smile at the hard stuff... because it's very much out of our control, yet has such specific purpose in each and every single one of our lives. Smile at someone. Make someone smile back. i did that today. And got a smile back. It's like living in a Disney Movie. Well, and older one. They're kinda getting dark and deep nowadays. Now I'm just blabbing. Is anyone still even reading this? Hahaha now I'm smiling again....