Maybe

Maybe my jeans are too tight

Maybe my head's not right

All I can say is that

These things I'm suffering are bad

I barely get out of bed at all

So that's why I hope for your call

To send down an angel

To take care of it all

The thing that I hate the most

The grey lines

I'm so grey I look like a ghost

Maybe I'll be the one

When all things are said and done

To look back and see how love has done good to me

I so hate all these maybes

I'm ripping at the seems

Confusion's really starting to eat at me

Could you please stop the pain

Keeps falling on me like rain

The violence of the night

I'm barely putting up a fight

My self diagnosis: insane

I ran to church for a cure

My vision's cloudy

The hemisphere is blurred

Am I born in a day where miracles have ceased?

I'd rather just be than be diseased

Maybe I'll be the one

When all things are said and done

To look back and see how love has done good to me

I so hate all these maybes

I'm ripping at the seems

Confusion's really starting to eat at me

Maybe I'll be the one

When all things are said and done

To look back and see how love has done good to me

I so hate all these maybes

I'm ripping at the seems

Confusion's really starting to eat at me

So maybe...

Maybe someday

Maybe someday

Maybe it's a test

Cause Lord, you know what's best

Unfortunately I can't afford

To not pass this

Are you bored to hear my prayers?

Patience? Please are you there

I hate this cross you gave me to bare

Maybe someday

Maybe I'll be the one

When all things are said and done

To look back and see how love has done good to me

I so hate all these maybes

I'm ripping at the seems

Confusion's really starting to eat at me

Maybe it's a test

Cause Lord, you know what's best

Unfortunately I can't afford

To not pass this

Are you bored to hear my prayers?

Patience? Please are you there

I hate this cross you gave me to bare

I say maybe

You say maybe, yeah

I say maybe

You say maybe, yeah

Maybe maybe maybe maybe, yeah

Maybe maybe maybe maybe, yeah

Maybe someday....

(first song done on the album, due out in 2010)

smile.

Smile,

Tho' your heart is aching,

Smile Even though its breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky-

You'll get by,

If you Smile through your fear and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through-

For you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,

Altho' a tear may be ever so near,

That's the time you must keep on trying,

Smile-

What's the use of crying,

You'll find that life is still worhwhile,

If you just smile.

I'm smiling right now.

I can say this year thus far has been the most intense year of my life. And with reason. The older we get I guess it just gets more and more difficult like a video game and reaching new levels. A few brilliant experiences and epiphanies have hit me pretty hard today... along with a few dives and spills that hurt like I got punched in the face by Mike Tyson (no... I didn't steal his tiger during a bachelor party in Vegas ;P ).

So I was cliff diving today based off of an impromptu trip with a few friends of mine. I had no idea there's a place literally a few minutes away from where my home is where teenagers, the brave and white trash alike hike to go cliff dive. Always being up for an adventure I decided to go.

In truth, I wasn't going to go. I have been very preoccupied with a few pivotal issues and decisions in my life that take up the rest of my mind that isn't focused on dance/art and the new movie I'm trying to get produced. I would say to worry about one's future and endless happiness is very common for most. I know it has always been the case for me, yet, in recent times, these stresses have been almost torturous and exhausting. That being said I go on living life with a smile on my face. I was really expecting to just lock myself in my house today and just download obscene amounts of music and maybe write a song or two, work out, dance by myself and read a little of the good word... away from the world and from any human connection. Something inside of me knew I was going to waste away my day off in a long time just worrying and being a robot. It was as if the happy part of my heart was screaming at me saying " get up fool...let's have some fun. " So, as the cheesy techno song says " Listen to your heart...." - I did for once.

I hiked and tread water and was at one with my surroundings. I didn't think of any of the stresses or pressures I had been facing 24 hours a normal day. Didn't care. I was on an adventure and it was good. The people I was with don't particularly know me super well either (though we did bond very much more today than ever), so I wasn't asked about the issues I have in my life that my closest of kin know about. It was nice... refreshing to just be present in the moment and go forth and be stupid... literally!

I got to a point where my buddies and I reached the highest jump...I don't even know how high it was but it was a little, ahem, intimidating. My and one guy saw all these other guys jumping and having a blast without pain. Though, looking back now I should've put 2 + 2 together that they were all drunk and/or high while doing so. HA! My friend went first. As he was a bit more experienced than i was at this. He lost his footing, seeing that the rocks were really slippery, and kinda crash landed. He belly flopped really hard, knocking the wind outta him, not to mention, he being but a foot or two away from smashing his head from not jumping out far enough.

Before I could think or assess the risk factor, I prepared to jump in the water if he didn't lift his face. Counting down and saying a little prayer I was ready to go....

3...

2...

1..OH he's up!

Yay! I rejoiced!

He got up, silent and white as a ghost... nobody even made a sound who had witnessed the fall. He said he was in a lot of pain, couldn't breathe and it hurt like hell. Well, this should have been a clear sign for me not to jump. But, instead. I kinda had a "Lieutenant Dan" moment. Where I challenged the powers that be and decided I would do it.

Laughing death in the face...

Having been so stressed out and upset in all those moments of dark thought and personal torture... Having the feeling that I had been left in the desert spiritually for so long...

Having the feeling I'll be alone the whole remainder of my life, being soulmate-less...

Having the feeling of, dare i say it, " Why wasn't it me who just nearly plummeted to a belly flop? " ... just because it'd be nice to feel more physical pain than mental torment...

I jumped... with the thought and prayer that innately came as I leapt off the "Lion King"-like rock.

The thought in my prayer was this:

" Heavenly Father, please bless me that I'll survive this. Preserve me so I can enjoy the rich blessings this life has to offer me... be them difficult ones or easy ones."

Why in the heck were those my most honest words and thoughts and desires of my heart in such a moment?!?!?!?! I didn't care about pain. I didn't jump in act of rebellion, though at first it was a motivating factor to climb the rock in the first place. (adrenaline) I just asked God to preserve me so I could have the opportunities, whatever they may be, to learn what i am supposed to learn and do what I'm destined to do. I knew it wasn't my time to go. ( wind ) So many unanswered questions. (screams) So many decisions would be left in limbo had I perished. (blurred vision) So many reasons to live and nothing to complain about. (smile) .....

SMASH!!!

Amidst the great epiphany that had occurred, where i saw my life for what it really was... I smiled. The next thing I knew was an obscene amount of pain as I had totally left the conscious world for a brief moment all the while I had forgotten I had already jumped from that damned rock!

I landed on the right side of my jaw. No it wasn't a belly flop. It was a punch to the face. That fall made me it's (female dog). Not to mention, the fall and succeeding crash of my lifeless body also nearly dislocated my elbow as i smashed sideways on to the water where it flung back the opposite way.

I remember getting water in my mouth probably cause i was smiling. I normally close my lips when I'm nervous and they go white. But no. My mouth was open as I fell in a funny awkward smile. I got up. I held my thumb up as I swam with one arm and screamed underwater due to how badly it hurt. I didn't tell any of the guys I was in so much pain. I joked around with them and played it off the whole day. But in truth the pain was but a tiny reminder of the little miracle that had passed in my life. 1. I'm alive! Haha! I could've landed on the rocks and never even remembered a thing. 2. A prayer was answered as I realized what I had been missing in this life.... the experience. This life is about experience. And for some beautifully mysterious reason, God, the one who knows all wants me to go through what I go through. And dreading so much of it isn't the point... thought at times I am sure i will continue to complain and contemplate. 3. It took me to put a smile on my face, just as the song says to say " yes, I'm a fun person, I want to go cliff diving today " and go out and do it. But i did it. I wasn't lying to myself. I am happy a lot of the time. I'm both a brilliantly happy person and a tragically sad one as well... at the same time. But I had been neglecting the happy side, and had been doing so in a vicious cycle of stress and personal fault finding. But mysteriously, that thought process has seemed to have left me for the time being. My Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom, helped change my heart in a moment where he knew i desperately needed it. And it's beautiful. And funny. And grand.

Will I forever be changed and will the dark clouds ever return? They've never left me. But what's a little rain when I smile and let the sun shine through?

Until next time... smile at your mortality. Smile at the funny stuff. Smile at the hard stuff... because it's very much out of our control, yet has such specific purpose in each and every single one of our lives. Smile at someone. Make someone smile back. i did that today. And got a smile back. It's like living in a Disney Movie. Well, and older one. They're kinda getting dark and deep nowadays. Now I'm just blabbing. Is anyone still even reading this? Hahaha now I'm smiling again....

Technicolor in a Black and White World

I've got money in my pocket,

I like the color of my hair.

I've got a friend who loves me,

Got a house, I've got a car.

I've got a good mother,

and her voice is what keeps me here.

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been

Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled

dented God Damned miseries!!

You could say I'm hard to hold,

But if you knew me you'd know,

I've got a good father,

And his strength is what makes me cry.

Feet on ground,

Heart in hand,

Facing forward,

Be yourself.

I've never wanted anything,

No I've, no I've, I've never

wanted anything so bad.

Feet on ground,

Heart in hand,

Facing forward,

Be yourself.

Heart in hand,

Feet on ground,

Facing forward,

Be yourself.

just be yourself.

just be yourself.

Feet on ground,

Heart in hand,

Feet on ground,

Heart in hand....

....... I don't know why out of the 40,000 + songs I own, I have never listened to that song before. I'm most assuredly going to be choreographing to that song very soon.

Honestly the words to this song are perfect and simple in addressing my ownpersonal life. I'm sure all can relate to some degree. I've never been one to care too much about the material things in life. (thought I do love the color of my hair finally) ha! That being said, I think in the end there is that one thing I want so badly that only my God really knows what it is...or even yet, who it is. Now don't think that there is a specific person out there that I am just completely head over heels for, but more that anything the "who" is the person that I'd like to become.

If I were the person I'd want to be, I'd have the companion that would fit me perfectly. I'd have the life that fulfills me, the love that inspires me and the strength to tackle on whatever new challenges arise in times of storm or drought.

If only...

That being said I think it's during these moments in my life where I have so much yet am so little helps me see a bigger picture in it all. Motivating really.

The old masks I've worn are over and done with. I'm trying to be a true me. I really detest saying something like that though. Too many people in this world associate that with such taboos as doing whatever the hell you want and not acknowledging one's Maker. For me, that's a path I have learned to hate and despise. To be myself is me trying to be my purest self; something I long to be. I feel like I've always tried to act a certain way or be seen in a certain light out of fear or attention rather than letting judgements be passed without me being so effected.

I have hid behind masks.

I think we all do sometimes. I do feel though that the best sides of me are true and real. I am more lover than fighter. I try and see the good in most people though I have learned that many people are ugly or at least have ugly intentions, and I've learned to stand up and confront them head on. A delicate balance really. Something I've barely touched the surface with yet I am finally learning it's importance.

You could say I'm hard to hold...

- ah THAT RINGS TOO TRUE!!! It was a phone call during a 1 am stroll through Wal-Mart this morning that helped me realize what makes it so impossible for someone to be with me (outside of the obvious nerd/crazy persona that I sometimes evoke).

I live in a different world.

My schedule, my hours, my moods, my motivations, my desires all come from a more art-friendly world. A world that doesn't mesh very well with the 9-5's and cultural norms we all seem to in-adherently expect to happen to all of us in this life. I was raised, like all of you that I would go to go to school locally till was 18 then higher learning (mission/college however which way one chooses), then you'll get married during that time, continue your career, have babies and by 28 have a pot belly with four munchkins around my lap.

The sick and twisted thing is that life sometimes throws curve balls, and God sometimes has other paths for us to take. And it's hard. We go against society's norms for a higher norm. And even those that feel they have it all and should be happy enough in their own lives, still feel they should persecute those that do not lead such lives as they.

As an entertainer, life is so much more chaotic. Twists and turns everyday. We base our lives on the art and influx of emotions we experience... thus being more "sensitive" people... and the gross part of it all is the fact that we are deprived more of love and opportunities to give our love back in the normal stereotypical world, so much that we end up putting it ALL into our craft, thus creating beauty from our pain, but never feeling satisfied with love because it just doesn't seem to work in the way the world is. Instead of it being reciprocated by a special someone who treats you like you're a part of that normal world, we receive applause, whistles, fan mail, and even the occasional stalker. :)

It may sound like I'm complaining, but in truth, I wouldn't change my life, my faith and my art for the world or normality. I used to think it was a decision to live in a creative bubble... now... I realize it's more about the fact that THAT is what I am.

Sure, I am working on being the best I can be in all ways possible, bit by bit, and step by step... but in the end.... straight to the heart, I am my art. I do this because it is me. Whatever turmoil I may encounter because of it is more than an occupational hazard... it's my calling.

MJ

I will write more about him soon. All I will say is that he is prime example and ambassador to all of (to all you "regulars") the world in which i come from. He was different. Felt isolated. Can be the sweetest person to those around him. He only felt whole when immersed in his art. Believed in God and followed in his faith as diligently as he could.... gosh I forgot I was writing about someone other than myself for a second.... again... more to come about him.

So yes, I sometimes feel like I'm technicolor in a black and white world. In fact, my album (which I'm slowly making) is titled just that. A friend told me just today that the phrase suits my point of view of the world perfectly and I really think it does.

I am an underdog.

I am different.

I walk a lonely path.

I am normal in my own way.

I walk to my own drummer.

I am a believer.

I am sad sometimes.

I have found happiness beyond that of what this world can offer.

I am in pain.

I am creating and the rush is more addicting than anything I can imagine.

I am lead by art.

I am lead by heart.

I am lead by God.

I am misunderstood.

I am ridiculed.

I am rumored to be a 1000 things.

I am me.

My hand is on my heart.

My feet on ground.

Facing forward.

I am me.

I am Technicolor in a Black and White world...

Good Grief

I've always loved Charlie Brown. Never did I realize how amazing his legendary quote really is.

Good Grief.

Something so simple yet true beyond our wildest dreams. As I was trying to figure out what I wanted to title my blog I came up with two titles " Good Grief " and " Technicolor in a Black and White World ", the latter inching in ahead of it's competition. I think I stuck with

"TIABAWW" or "TBW" due to it being more general and vast in it's explanation and meaning.

But I'm almost sad I didn't get to use Good Grief as my url.

I think for most of us as human beings, we are constantly being effected by the grief and pain of this world. In the end it is for our benefit as we all know we learn from the tough times much more than the not-so-tough ones. (notice how I didn't say "easy times"... I mean, since when has life EVER been easy?!?!)

Good Grief... I think one can even take the phrase and apply it in a spiritual sense. Christ suffered all the sins and pains of the world, this I truly believe. The grief we create or receive, becomes his. However terrible and insurmountable, these trials and tribulations are for our benefit and good. I am shocked during the moments of deep reflection where I am down and out about the difficulties of life and realize that someone has already been there and done that, and to add, has taken everyone else's burdens and pain along with the almost seemingly impossible struggles I personally deal with. How is it even possible to conceive what that must've been like for the 33 year old son of Mary in the Garden of Gethsemane to have to deal with such a task?

I don't even want to really know. I'd rather just acknowledge that Christ is the Son of God and accept his great atoning sacrifice for I am but a peon in contrast to the mighty spiritual Giant who is my Savior.

My burdens nevertheless seem almost too much to deal with at times. I hope it's not me being ungrateful. I mean I know "He" is with me during these times. But there are moments when I feel like He leaves me to teach me an important lesson in life and to realize how many angels are constantly lifting me up. A friend of mine always calls these moments of desertion and trial being " left in the desert ".

And when I'm alone and feel cast out and forgotten by my maker and a world of black and white seems to enter in my vision and all is doom and gloom, a small voice still seems to whisper to me in those dark places I tend to find myself in many a day and says " this is but a portion...". Good thing it was only a portion... life can truthfully be so damn tough sometimes...I realize how small and unimportant I am in the grand scheme of things. This sense of humility is good for me. It's good for all of us.

9 times out of 10 what ails me more than anything are matters of the heart. Be it my spiritual heart, and the worries of my eternal salvation or most commonly, love •

That being said... in order for me to survive these times of black and white, the thought that this grief I have has been shared/suffered by the only perfect human being who personally knows what I'm dealing with, gives me at the least, a sense that I'm not alone in the slightest way. It can totally suck to not have a soul mate to be with me yet. Until then I have to try to see the "good" in my grief.

So when these trials come, they are what they are...I need to deal. Good Grief!