Expect the Least, Enjoy the Feast

- A pensive look at expecting less and being grateful for more...

As from my previous update-blog, I had been working non-stop since the 26th of December. I haven't been home, I have had crazy schedule and travel issues as well. I don't think I've ever taught this much in my life as I am in the process of preparing myself for some big financial endeavors in the near future so as to help me accomplish a few lingering, taunting and even haunting dreams to fulfill. That being said... I nearly didn't even realize I had my birthday today. I didn't wake up and say " WOW! I'm a year older! " or anything of that nature. In fact. The 12am mark passed whilst in the process of choreographing a swing routine for another competitive couple outside of an elevator loft in a hotel in Houston, so I could end up getting enough rest to pack, drive 4 hours to Dallas where I had been for over a week teaching and rehearsing and choreographing, to re-pack, and catch an evening flight to San Fran which connects to my final destination, Australia.

As Kellese, my DP and I rushed to the airport... the flight ended up being delayed so much, that the only option we could choose was to spend the night at her and her husband, Brent's house, leave for LAX instead of San Fran and have a 9 hour layover in LA.

This may seem bad, but as I stood in the ticket line of the airpor

t in

a frantic group of people rushing to get home or wherever they were heading... I couldn't have felt more grateful and appreciative of the simplest lesson and blessing I had been given: Before I explain further you may need some prior details as to how my joy came about. Sorry it's a little long...

In the midst of my tunnel-visioned self, huffing and puffing along... with no time to smell the roses or even see them in passing, I began to really shut off. And go into a semi survival mode. I normally only get this way when I'm on a reality TV show (

ha!) or if I'm preparing for an important competition or big artistic project. But because of the world, and it's material demands needing to be met, and for the fact that I have two very big goals/dreams I WILL accomplish, I became vacuous and robotic. Going through the motions. People pleasing from the goodness of my heart but not remembering a single word I had said to a loved one or a friend 5 minutes prior. And although I'm in one of

those moments in my life where I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I started to ignore who it was that was providing such a source of brilliant hope and possibility.

I was fortunate enough to have had a dinner with two friends in Texas. An awesome Proverb was mentioned and I think I can relate to this more than anything right now in my life.

" Remove far from me vanity and lies; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me:

Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the LORD

? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain. "

I think one of the biggest motivators in my work sometimes is respect. I work for i

t. I work to earn it. I love having my art validated by man. Not to say that that is such an awful thing. But when I end up viewing that desired success or respect as being rich or famous through my art and being able to coast through life because of my wealth and power... I am denying the very power that has given me all that I already have and will have! In the end the best lesson and the biggest lesson I can learn in this era of my life is working harder than using my talents alone in achieving what I desire, and understandi

ng that in the end, the outcome may not be what I desire, but whatever that outcome is, I am not favored more or less by God or by those who truly love ME for " me ". I sometimes look at others in their success or "disillusionalized" versions of it and wonder why they achieve so much. In reality I owe God a huge debt of gratitude for understanding a very important lesson I find very easy to forget way too often.

I can remember a time where I strived for material success for the benefit of others. My immediate and future family. I know that even to this day that they are the biggest positive motivators in encouraging me to make something of myself that would sustain them. Nothing would give more joy to have enough to take care of my folks and relatives and friends dear to me. And to have the freedom to dedicate so much of myself to help

ing those that are less fortunate at levels I can only dream of right now with D.E.M.A.N.D. inc. But there is that other side that craves glory and praise and riches. It's a beats and struggle I deal with so much. A battle that i think may be one of the biggest causes of aggression, frustration, guilt, sadness, shame, envy and greed.... basically anything sad and negative in my life at this point. I think if this burden was removed from me, I'd have enough strength to overcome anything that holds me down.

After reading this scripture, I made it a conscious effort to strive and just worry about work. Turning off any other desires for the moment, and thus I became immersed and even engulfed work and distraction, but this time for the reason of preparing myself to just focus on what's right. Preparing for whatever the Lord see fit for me. But working as hard as I can nevertheless.

Then this phrase came to mind:

Expect the Least, Enjoy the Feast

Now back to the flight madness of my trip!

Least : I am in love with my puppy, Buster. My sister has been taking care of him and secretly wants to steal him from me, and I worry he wont remember me since I've been gone 3 weeks by the time I get home. I remember driving him home in a 12 hour drive form Utah and him sitting there sleeping and sucking my pinky on the way through. i remember me pulling over at gas stations along the long trek and he making everyone's heart that saw him melt from how dang cute he is.

Because i have been working and saving my money and training really hard this past few months, I haven't had a lot of time to just celebrate a day with a loved one without it being Holiday related or work related.

FEAST : I get to have a 9 hour layover and spend nearly the w

hole time with some of my closest peeps....AND BUSTER! And i'll still end up making it to my classes in Australia on time and without having to disappoint anyone! I can't tell you how cool that is... however simple it seems.

In closing. The fact that I have to have the Lord constantly remind me and almost hit me over the head with a sense of awakening, must mean he truly does love me. And knows me. And knows that I lose track of the goal, and the light at the end of the tunnel. I tend to misconstrue the light and find it to be of some mortal earth-bound prize where in reality it is anything but that. The fame, the glory the praise and the wealth are all bonuses if used in the right way. I guess my place, as the proverb says is to be where I am at right now. In this influx and balance between the two. And that's okay. And now it doesn't discourage me the way it used to. Come what may, I need to just work, enjoy the simple stuff, and see where the true prize and wealth lie. And pray that when the bonuses start coming in (as I still hope they do), I'll have the strength to know and remember where all of it lies and to whom really loves me for me and to use whatever I am given to help others; as i feel like i am destined to do somehow.

I stopped worrying about the end prize and just lived d

ay to day, focused and reminding myself why I am here, and what this is all about. I forgot it was my day of birth. That my mom and dad made me 26 years and nine months ago and for some reason I am meant to be here on this earth at this place in my life for a reason. Not to be famous. Not to be rich and successful, but to learn. To love. To serve. To be loved. And most importantly remember the bountiful hand that provides such an amazing feast.

I write this in a 6 year old boy's bedroom where I'm staying. Lying on a floor matress and sharing it with a big grey dog named Izzy. I am not disappointed. I am smiling. I am loving the wishes of BDAY love from so many and again had expected all to forget and when so many more remembered even more than when I had been on a TV show. I am motivated, and this has been the best birthday ever.

Love.

b

CRAZY LIFE!

Working by the sweat of brow right now to enable the amount of freedom I need to accomplish the goals I have for this year. I am happy in this fight. I am scared in this fight. I feel like this is my year to really make something of my dreams or learn to just survive for the rest of my life. Kinda scary... but kinda cool. In less than a month as the new year came, so much has already changed. I know this post is a bit vague and quick but it's all I have time for. I'll be posting a bit more here as i get my act together in the following days during my travels to Texas and Australia. Much love to you all who may be reading this.

B

p.s. this pic is not my work but I thought it goes well with my blog title...

Maybe

Maybe my jeans are too tight

Maybe my head's not right

All I can say is that

These things I'm suffering are bad

I barely get out of bed at all

So that's why I hope for your call

To send down an angel

To take care of it all

The thing that I hate the most

The grey lines

I'm so grey I look like a ghost

Maybe I'll be the one

When all things are said and done

To look back and see how love has done good to me

I so hate all these maybes

I'm ripping at the seems

Confusion's really starting to eat at me

Could you please stop the pain

Keeps falling on me like rain

The violence of the night

I'm barely putting up a fight

My self diagnosis: insane

I ran to church for a cure

My vision's cloudy

The hemisphere is blurred

Am I born in a day where miracles have ceased?

I'd rather just be than be diseased

Maybe I'll be the one

When all things are said and done

To look back and see how love has done good to me

I so hate all these maybes

I'm ripping at the seems

Confusion's really starting to eat at me

Maybe I'll be the one

When all things are said and done

To look back and see how love has done good to me

I so hate all these maybes

I'm ripping at the seems

Confusion's really starting to eat at me

So maybe...

Maybe someday

Maybe someday

Maybe it's a test

Cause Lord, you know what's best

Unfortunately I can't afford

To not pass this

Are you bored to hear my prayers?

Patience? Please are you there

I hate this cross you gave me to bare

Maybe someday

Maybe I'll be the one

When all things are said and done

To look back and see how love has done good to me

I so hate all these maybes

I'm ripping at the seems

Confusion's really starting to eat at me

Maybe it's a test

Cause Lord, you know what's best

Unfortunately I can't afford

To not pass this

Are you bored to hear my prayers?

Patience? Please are you there

I hate this cross you gave me to bare

I say maybe

You say maybe, yeah

I say maybe

You say maybe, yeah

Maybe maybe maybe maybe, yeah

Maybe maybe maybe maybe, yeah

Maybe someday....

(first song done on the album, due out in 2010)

smile.

Smile,

Tho' your heart is aching,

Smile Even though its breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky-

You'll get by,

If you Smile through your fear and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through-

For you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,

Altho' a tear may be ever so near,

That's the time you must keep on trying,

Smile-

What's the use of crying,

You'll find that life is still worhwhile,

If you just smile.

I'm smiling right now.

I can say this year thus far has been the most intense year of my life. And with reason. The older we get I guess it just gets more and more difficult like a video game and reaching new levels. A few brilliant experiences and epiphanies have hit me pretty hard today... along with a few dives and spills that hurt like I got punched in the face by Mike Tyson (no... I didn't steal his tiger during a bachelor party in Vegas ;P ).

So I was cliff diving today based off of an impromptu trip with a few friends of mine. I had no idea there's a place literally a few minutes away from where my home is where teenagers, the brave and white trash alike hike to go cliff dive. Always being up for an adventure I decided to go.

In truth, I wasn't going to go. I have been very preoccupied with a few pivotal issues and decisions in my life that take up the rest of my mind that isn't focused on dance/art and the new movie I'm trying to get produced. I would say to worry about one's future and endless happiness is very common for most. I know it has always been the case for me, yet, in recent times, these stresses have been almost torturous and exhausting. That being said I go on living life with a smile on my face. I was really expecting to just lock myself in my house today and just download obscene amounts of music and maybe write a song or two, work out, dance by myself and read a little of the good word... away from the world and from any human connection. Something inside of me knew I was going to waste away my day off in a long time just worrying and being a robot. It was as if the happy part of my heart was screaming at me saying " get up fool...let's have some fun. " So, as the cheesy techno song says " Listen to your heart...." - I did for once.

I hiked and tread water and was at one with my surroundings. I didn't think of any of the stresses or pressures I had been facing 24 hours a normal day. Didn't care. I was on an adventure and it was good. The people I was with don't particularly know me super well either (though we did bond very much more today than ever), so I wasn't asked about the issues I have in my life that my closest of kin know about. It was nice... refreshing to just be present in the moment and go forth and be stupid... literally!

I got to a point where my buddies and I reached the highest jump...I don't even know how high it was but it was a little, ahem, intimidating. My and one guy saw all these other guys jumping and having a blast without pain. Though, looking back now I should've put 2 + 2 together that they were all drunk and/or high while doing so. HA! My friend went first. As he was a bit more experienced than i was at this. He lost his footing, seeing that the rocks were really slippery, and kinda crash landed. He belly flopped really hard, knocking the wind outta him, not to mention, he being but a foot or two away from smashing his head from not jumping out far enough.

Before I could think or assess the risk factor, I prepared to jump in the water if he didn't lift his face. Counting down and saying a little prayer I was ready to go....

3...

2...

1..OH he's up!

Yay! I rejoiced!

He got up, silent and white as a ghost... nobody even made a sound who had witnessed the fall. He said he was in a lot of pain, couldn't breathe and it hurt like hell. Well, this should have been a clear sign for me not to jump. But, instead. I kinda had a "Lieutenant Dan" moment. Where I challenged the powers that be and decided I would do it.

Laughing death in the face...

Having been so stressed out and upset in all those moments of dark thought and personal torture... Having the feeling that I had been left in the desert spiritually for so long...

Having the feeling I'll be alone the whole remainder of my life, being soulmate-less...

Having the feeling of, dare i say it, " Why wasn't it me who just nearly plummeted to a belly flop? " ... just because it'd be nice to feel more physical pain than mental torment...

I jumped... with the thought and prayer that innately came as I leapt off the "Lion King"-like rock.

The thought in my prayer was this:

" Heavenly Father, please bless me that I'll survive this. Preserve me so I can enjoy the rich blessings this life has to offer me... be them difficult ones or easy ones."

Why in the heck were those my most honest words and thoughts and desires of my heart in such a moment?!?!?!?! I didn't care about pain. I didn't jump in act of rebellion, though at first it was a motivating factor to climb the rock in the first place. (adrenaline) I just asked God to preserve me so I could have the opportunities, whatever they may be, to learn what i am supposed to learn and do what I'm destined to do. I knew it wasn't my time to go. ( wind ) So many unanswered questions. (screams) So many decisions would be left in limbo had I perished. (blurred vision) So many reasons to live and nothing to complain about. (smile) .....

SMASH!!!

Amidst the great epiphany that had occurred, where i saw my life for what it really was... I smiled. The next thing I knew was an obscene amount of pain as I had totally left the conscious world for a brief moment all the while I had forgotten I had already jumped from that damned rock!

I landed on the right side of my jaw. No it wasn't a belly flop. It was a punch to the face. That fall made me it's (female dog). Not to mention, the fall and succeeding crash of my lifeless body also nearly dislocated my elbow as i smashed sideways on to the water where it flung back the opposite way.

I remember getting water in my mouth probably cause i was smiling. I normally close my lips when I'm nervous and they go white. But no. My mouth was open as I fell in a funny awkward smile. I got up. I held my thumb up as I swam with one arm and screamed underwater due to how badly it hurt. I didn't tell any of the guys I was in so much pain. I joked around with them and played it off the whole day. But in truth the pain was but a tiny reminder of the little miracle that had passed in my life. 1. I'm alive! Haha! I could've landed on the rocks and never even remembered a thing. 2. A prayer was answered as I realized what I had been missing in this life.... the experience. This life is about experience. And for some beautifully mysterious reason, God, the one who knows all wants me to go through what I go through. And dreading so much of it isn't the point... thought at times I am sure i will continue to complain and contemplate. 3. It took me to put a smile on my face, just as the song says to say " yes, I'm a fun person, I want to go cliff diving today " and go out and do it. But i did it. I wasn't lying to myself. I am happy a lot of the time. I'm both a brilliantly happy person and a tragically sad one as well... at the same time. But I had been neglecting the happy side, and had been doing so in a vicious cycle of stress and personal fault finding. But mysteriously, that thought process has seemed to have left me for the time being. My Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom, helped change my heart in a moment where he knew i desperately needed it. And it's beautiful. And funny. And grand.

Will I forever be changed and will the dark clouds ever return? They've never left me. But what's a little rain when I smile and let the sun shine through?

Until next time... smile at your mortality. Smile at the funny stuff. Smile at the hard stuff... because it's very much out of our control, yet has such specific purpose in each and every single one of our lives. Smile at someone. Make someone smile back. i did that today. And got a smile back. It's like living in a Disney Movie. Well, and older one. They're kinda getting dark and deep nowadays. Now I'm just blabbing. Is anyone still even reading this? Hahaha now I'm smiling again....

Technicolor in a Black and White World

I've got money in my pocket,

I like the color of my hair.

I've got a friend who loves me,

Got a house, I've got a car.

I've got a good mother,

and her voice is what keeps me here.

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been

Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled

dented God Damned miseries!!

You could say I'm hard to hold,

But if you knew me you'd know,

I've got a good father,

And his strength is what makes me cry.

Feet on ground,

Heart in hand,

Facing forward,

Be yourself.

I've never wanted anything,

No I've, no I've, I've never

wanted anything so bad.

Feet on ground,

Heart in hand,

Facing forward,

Be yourself.

Heart in hand,

Feet on ground,

Facing forward,

Be yourself.

just be yourself.

just be yourself.

Feet on ground,

Heart in hand,

Feet on ground,

Heart in hand....

....... I don't know why out of the 40,000 + songs I own, I have never listened to that song before. I'm most assuredly going to be choreographing to that song very soon.

Honestly the words to this song are perfect and simple in addressing my ownpersonal life. I'm sure all can relate to some degree. I've never been one to care too much about the material things in life. (thought I do love the color of my hair finally) ha! That being said, I think in the end there is that one thing I want so badly that only my God really knows what it is...or even yet, who it is. Now don't think that there is a specific person out there that I am just completely head over heels for, but more that anything the "who" is the person that I'd like to become.

If I were the person I'd want to be, I'd have the companion that would fit me perfectly. I'd have the life that fulfills me, the love that inspires me and the strength to tackle on whatever new challenges arise in times of storm or drought.

If only...

That being said I think it's during these moments in my life where I have so much yet am so little helps me see a bigger picture in it all. Motivating really.

The old masks I've worn are over and done with. I'm trying to be a true me. I really detest saying something like that though. Too many people in this world associate that with such taboos as doing whatever the hell you want and not acknowledging one's Maker. For me, that's a path I have learned to hate and despise. To be myself is me trying to be my purest self; something I long to be. I feel like I've always tried to act a certain way or be seen in a certain light out of fear or attention rather than letting judgements be passed without me being so effected.

I have hid behind masks.

I think we all do sometimes. I do feel though that the best sides of me are true and real. I am more lover than fighter. I try and see the good in most people though I have learned that many people are ugly or at least have ugly intentions, and I've learned to stand up and confront them head on. A delicate balance really. Something I've barely touched the surface with yet I am finally learning it's importance.

You could say I'm hard to hold...

- ah THAT RINGS TOO TRUE!!! It was a phone call during a 1 am stroll through Wal-Mart this morning that helped me realize what makes it so impossible for someone to be with me (outside of the obvious nerd/crazy persona that I sometimes evoke).

I live in a different world.

My schedule, my hours, my moods, my motivations, my desires all come from a more art-friendly world. A world that doesn't mesh very well with the 9-5's and cultural norms we all seem to in-adherently expect to happen to all of us in this life. I was raised, like all of you that I would go to go to school locally till was 18 then higher learning (mission/college however which way one chooses), then you'll get married during that time, continue your career, have babies and by 28 have a pot belly with four munchkins around my lap.

The sick and twisted thing is that life sometimes throws curve balls, and God sometimes has other paths for us to take. And it's hard. We go against society's norms for a higher norm. And even those that feel they have it all and should be happy enough in their own lives, still feel they should persecute those that do not lead such lives as they.

As an entertainer, life is so much more chaotic. Twists and turns everyday. We base our lives on the art and influx of emotions we experience... thus being more "sensitive" people... and the gross part of it all is the fact that we are deprived more of love and opportunities to give our love back in the normal stereotypical world, so much that we end up putting it ALL into our craft, thus creating beauty from our pain, but never feeling satisfied with love because it just doesn't seem to work in the way the world is. Instead of it being reciprocated by a special someone who treats you like you're a part of that normal world, we receive applause, whistles, fan mail, and even the occasional stalker. :)

It may sound like I'm complaining, but in truth, I wouldn't change my life, my faith and my art for the world or normality. I used to think it was a decision to live in a creative bubble... now... I realize it's more about the fact that THAT is what I am.

Sure, I am working on being the best I can be in all ways possible, bit by bit, and step by step... but in the end.... straight to the heart, I am my art. I do this because it is me. Whatever turmoil I may encounter because of it is more than an occupational hazard... it's my calling.

MJ

I will write more about him soon. All I will say is that he is prime example and ambassador to all of (to all you "regulars") the world in which i come from. He was different. Felt isolated. Can be the sweetest person to those around him. He only felt whole when immersed in his art. Believed in God and followed in his faith as diligently as he could.... gosh I forgot I was writing about someone other than myself for a second.... again... more to come about him.

So yes, I sometimes feel like I'm technicolor in a black and white world. In fact, my album (which I'm slowly making) is titled just that. A friend told me just today that the phrase suits my point of view of the world perfectly and I really think it does.

I am an underdog.

I am different.

I walk a lonely path.

I am normal in my own way.

I walk to my own drummer.

I am a believer.

I am sad sometimes.

I have found happiness beyond that of what this world can offer.

I am in pain.

I am creating and the rush is more addicting than anything I can imagine.

I am lead by art.

I am lead by heart.

I am lead by God.

I am misunderstood.

I am ridiculed.

I am rumored to be a 1000 things.

I am me.

My hand is on my heart.

My feet on ground.

Facing forward.

I am me.

I am Technicolor in a Black and White world...

Good Grief

I've always loved Charlie Brown. Never did I realize how amazing his legendary quote really is.

Good Grief.

Something so simple yet true beyond our wildest dreams. As I was trying to figure out what I wanted to title my blog I came up with two titles " Good Grief " and " Technicolor in a Black and White World ", the latter inching in ahead of it's competition. I think I stuck with

"TIABAWW" or "TBW" due to it being more general and vast in it's explanation and meaning.

But I'm almost sad I didn't get to use Good Grief as my url.

I think for most of us as human beings, we are constantly being effected by the grief and pain of this world. In the end it is for our benefit as we all know we learn from the tough times much more than the not-so-tough ones. (notice how I didn't say "easy times"... I mean, since when has life EVER been easy?!?!)

Good Grief... I think one can even take the phrase and apply it in a spiritual sense. Christ suffered all the sins and pains of the world, this I truly believe. The grief we create or receive, becomes his. However terrible and insurmountable, these trials and tribulations are for our benefit and good. I am shocked during the moments of deep reflection where I am down and out about the difficulties of life and realize that someone has already been there and done that, and to add, has taken everyone else's burdens and pain along with the almost seemingly impossible struggles I personally deal with. How is it even possible to conceive what that must've been like for the 33 year old son of Mary in the Garden of Gethsemane to have to deal with such a task?

I don't even want to really know. I'd rather just acknowledge that Christ is the Son of God and accept his great atoning sacrifice for I am but a peon in contrast to the mighty spiritual Giant who is my Savior.

My burdens nevertheless seem almost too much to deal with at times. I hope it's not me being ungrateful. I mean I know "He" is with me during these times. But there are moments when I feel like He leaves me to teach me an important lesson in life and to realize how many angels are constantly lifting me up. A friend of mine always calls these moments of desertion and trial being " left in the desert ".

And when I'm alone and feel cast out and forgotten by my maker and a world of black and white seems to enter in my vision and all is doom and gloom, a small voice still seems to whisper to me in those dark places I tend to find myself in many a day and says " this is but a portion...". Good thing it was only a portion... life can truthfully be so damn tough sometimes...I realize how small and unimportant I am in the grand scheme of things. This sense of humility is good for me. It's good for all of us.

9 times out of 10 what ails me more than anything are matters of the heart. Be it my spiritual heart, and the worries of my eternal salvation or most commonly, love •

That being said... in order for me to survive these times of black and white, the thought that this grief I have has been shared/suffered by the only perfect human being who personally knows what I'm dealing with, gives me at the least, a sense that I'm not alone in the slightest way. It can totally suck to not have a soul mate to be with me yet. Until then I have to try to see the "good" in my grief.

So when these trials come, they are what they are...I need to deal. Good Grief!